So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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