i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
