I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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