Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
