i love accidental penises.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
