if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
