I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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