Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
