A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
