Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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