1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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