Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
