Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
