You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
