6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
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