Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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