my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
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