I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
