Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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