I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
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