Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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