Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
