Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
