Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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