Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
