I can tuck mytits in my pants
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
