In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
