When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
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