When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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