He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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