is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
