If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize