i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
