you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
