weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
You made out with two different species that night
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
