is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
