You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
