Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
