I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I puked a lego.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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