I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
