Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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