I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I have already put on my inside pants.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
