You just made me feel so damn special
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize