I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
