Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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