Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
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