Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
