I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
