The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
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