Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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