i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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