Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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