just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
