I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
