Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
