I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
17 year olds will be the death of me.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
