I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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