I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
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