batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
