I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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