Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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