and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
