I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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