I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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