Barsexuality is the new black.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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