Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
