im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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