I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Randomize
