the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
