Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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