I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
its liver damage thursday
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
