3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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